she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize