I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
