It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
