I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
