You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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