i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
