she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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