just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
