Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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