You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
