I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
