Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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