Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
