I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
