He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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