One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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