my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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