did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
