and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
