And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
