i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
