Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
