What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
