you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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