Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
