I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
