nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Randomize
