There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
