I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
