he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
