tell your sister to shave her snatch
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
