I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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