Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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