You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I have aggressive nipples.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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