the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Your cock deserves a montage
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
