I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
