Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
