He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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