I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
