One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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