my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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