At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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