The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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