Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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