I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
