one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
