The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
