the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My breath smells like gin and sadness
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize