So drunk its hurt
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
