Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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