I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you have feelings for this penis?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize