Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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