i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
third nipple confirmed
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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