My room smells like vodka and shame
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
