Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize