I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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