i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
