How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
