So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
