dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
