We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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