I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
