k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize