1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Found your dick twin last night
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
